At one point or another, We’ve all been guilty of watching those late-night infomercials and feeling slightly inclined to call the toll-free number and buy whatever miracle item it is they’re selling. Sometimes the pitch is just too irresistible. How can we say no to the super absorbency of the ShamWow? Or the unrivaled stain-busting power of OxiClean? Most of the times these products end up just collecting dust in our closets after we realize they don’t seem to be quite as effective or essential as their advertising made them out to be, however, sometimes a products exceeding level of ridiculousness is made painfully apparent right from the start — like with these 12 “as seen on TV” items that surely constitute some of the worst branding and merchandise failures to ever be considered consumer “goods.”
12. Sauna Pants
Lots of gyms have saunas, therefore saunas must help you lose weight and get in shape, right? Our guess is that was the train of thought that led to the invention of Sauna Pants. With Sauna Pants you can kiss your calorie counting days goodbye because once you strap on a pair of these personalized crotch cookers, that unwanted weight around your hips and thighs will supposedly just melt away — along with any chances of having children, if you happen to be a guy.
11. Pajama Jeans
As if Western society wasn’t already lazy enough, Now you can leave the house wearing the exact same clothes you went to bed in and no one will be the wiser. As stated in the infomercial, this groundbreaking product is perfect for absolutely any occasion whether you’re heading to the office or just making a quick run to the grocery store. Why sacrifice comfort for style when you can have it all with Pajama Jeans? Just make sure you also pick up some khaki lingerie to go along with it.
10. My Secret Hair Enhancer
Here’s a product that basically tries to pass off spray paint as a cure for baldness. My Secret Hair Enhancer is essentially an aerosol can filled with hair-colored paint that you can use to cover those follicley challenged areas on your scalp between the clumps of thinning hair that still remains. But anyone with any common sense should know that spray paint only has two purposes — making street art and coating patio furniture. Nobody should even consider using My Secret Hair Enhancer unless they’re prepared to receive a lot of awkward stares. Of course, if you’re really into that slick, shiny finish that only a can of spray paint can achieve, then this is just what you’ve been waiting for.
9. Neck Magic Air Cushion / DR. HO’s Neck Comforter
This one’s a must have for anyone who’s ever witnessed the tradition of neck stretching practiced in certain cultures and thought to themselves “now that’s for me.” Both the Neck Magic Air Cushion and DR. HO’s Neck Comforter use a pump to slowly increase the pressure in an inflatable tube around your neck, effectively pulling your head away from your shoulders. They might look and sound like some sort of medieval torture device, but the infomercials assure us the apparatus provides soothing muscle relaxation and even headache relief. Plus you can finally achieve that elongated neck look that will make all you the envy of all your friends.
8. The Back Up
Do you hate home intruders almost as much as you hate common sense gun safety? Then have we got the product for you. The Back Up is a handy gun rack that fits snugly between your bed mattress and box spring so you can whip out your shotgun even while still in a lying position. Forget about fumbling with the keys to get into your safe and secure gun case, with the Back Up, you’ll have your gun in hand and firing in less than the time it takes to turn on the lights and determine what you’re shooting at. And at the incredibly affordable price of $39.95, you might as well get one for both sides of the bed.
7. The Tiddy Bear
The Tiddy Bear is a fuzzy little teddy bear thing that attaches to seat belts with and is designed to relieve pressure wherever you need it, as well prevent you from being hurt by a searing hot shoulder strap. As the ad would have you believe, seat belts can make it hard for some particularly well-endowed women to breathe. Rather than sacrifice safety for comfort by not wearing the belt at all, the Tiddy Bear provides an ingenious solution by sliding right between those assets to provide long-lasting comfort whenever you’re in the car. But let’s face it, the best part of this product is all in the name since we’re clearly supposed to be hearing the words “Titty Bear” whenever it’s mentioned. We’re pretty sure the marketing team was all high fives and ass slaps after coming up with that dignified double entendre.
6. Talking TP
Have you ever looked at your toilet paper dispenser and thought to yourself, “wouldn’t it be great if I could also use this thing to record voice messages?” No? Well that’s probably just because you’re a normal, sane person who thinks rationally. For anyone else with more questionable mental states, Talking TP could be the product you’ve been waiting for. It’s great for birthdays, weddings, Christmas, and office parties. Just press a button to record a message — something like, “Susan, will you marry me? Flush once for yes” then sit back and let the laughs roll in. Of course to get the full effect, you’d probably have to hide in the bathroom while people do their business, but maybe that shouldn’t come as a surprise considering we’ve already established that this product was clearly made with certifiably insane people in mind.
5. The Better Marriage Blanket
Forget trust and communication, for one easy payment of $49.95 (plus shipping and handling, of course) you can own the secret to a healthier, more loving marriage. That’s right, the Better Marriage Blanket is a state-of the-art fart-absorbing bed sheet that helps ensure the problem of frequent flatulence never comes between you and your partner. Utilizing activated carbon fabric — the same type of fabric used by the military to protect against chemical weapons — this blanket was built to withstand a full-scale mustard gas attack so it shouldn’t have any problems absorbing a few Dutch Ovens.
Don’t let breaking wind break your marriage vows, order the Better Marriage Blanket today!
4. Dump Meals
From the same people who brought you Dump Cakes now there’s Dump Meals, because if there were any word that conjures up images of a mouth-watering dish, surely it’s “dump.” But not to worry, this product doesn’t involve you cooking up fecal feasts, the brilliant brand name actually refers to method by which the meals are prepared — by “dumping” ingredients into a crock pot.
This specialty cook book is loaded with tons of culinary secrets you won’t find anywhere else. Want to know how to cook the perfect teriyaki chicken? Just dump in a can of ginger ale. Ever had New York style deep dish pizza? Well, just wait till you try a slice of slow cooked dump dish pizza. With Dump Meals you never have you let your busy schedule get in the way of a delicious dinner.
3. Potty Putter
Potty Putter attempts to solve one of the greatest and most persistent of all the first world problems: not having enough activities to do on the toilet. Forget reading or looking at the ingredients listed on the back of your shampoo bottle, now you can work on shaving strokes off your putting game while you sit perched atop your porcelain throne. Although, considering that the club that comes included with the Potty Putter isn’t regulated for your height, and most people don’t putt from a sitting position, the only thing its probably going to help you with is marking a lot of number two’s on you score sheet.
2. Uro Club
Okay, can someone please explain what the deal is with golfers combining their sport and the excretion of bodily fluids. The Uro Club is advertised as the “only golf club that’s guaranteed to keep you out of the woods” (to relieve yourself). That’s because inside it’s hollowed out handle is a “discreet sanitary solution” for all of your urinary needs. Just twist the Uro Club’s grip to open the built-in reservoir, stick in your little caddy, and let it all out right there on the green. The device comes with a handy clip-around-the-waist towel to fool course marshals into thinking you’re just checking out your club’s magnificent craftsmanship. It’s by far the classiest way to relieve yourself on the course while simultaneously minimizing interruptions so you can get in as many holes as possible. Just make sure you remove it from your friends golf bag if you happen to be borrowing a set of clubs. You wouldn’t want them to get pissed off — or, in this case, pissed on.
1. The Slobstopper
The infomercial for this product features an embarrassing everyday situation in which a man sitting in his parked car spills coffee on himself, causing an attractive female passerby to frown. But then, on a later day, the same smooth individual once again spills coffee all over himself, only this time he’s wearing a full-length adult bib, causing the same attractive woman to smile instead. You see, the only reason she frowned in disapproval the first time was because the man had gotten coffee stains on his shirt and pants, not because he was a complete doofus who looked like he didn’t know the first thing about transferring liquids from a cup to his mouth. Although her approval upon seeing the giant bib could also just mean that she’s got a really creepy baby fetish. In any case, if you incorporate the Slobstopper as part of your daily wardrobe you’re sure to get a lot of added attention.