For the 240th birthday of the United States, WWE put together a show that was predicated on two things. First, it was a celebration of America’s birthday. And second, it was a show written with the belief that very few people would be watching. After all, only on a low-rated holiday show could Zack Ryder not just wrestle in the main event of Raw, but actually win the match. That’s not to say that it was a bad show, in fact parts of it were quite entertaining, and they continued to build several matches for the Battleground PPV that could be worth seeing. So, if you happen to be one of the many, many Americans who likely skipped the show, we thought we’d let you know about some of the more important things that you missed.
10. We Just Can’t Have Nice Things
As The Miz pointed out, you simply can’t have a holiday episode in WWE without it degenerating into a food fight, which, given that we’re pretty sure we saw Heath Slater extolling the virtues of hot dogs and whipped cream, is probably better than actually eating it. It does beg the question as to why the genre-savvy Miz would choose to wear a white suit, and the answer, of course, is “comedy”. And this actually was a funny, lighthearted cold open, with none of the cringe-worthy attempts at humor usually seen in WWE. Among the highlights we found were Cesaro and Apollo Crews silently arm-wrestling during the entire fight (which ended in a draw), Sami Zayn yelling “Don’t eat the beans, they’ve been tainted” (kids, ask your grandparents why that’s funny), and Xavier Woods extolling the virtues of a beach toy as a shield. The whole thing was topped off by Kevin Owens hiding under a table for the entire fight, emerging without a scratch, and declaring (quite correctly), that “this would never happen on Canada Day”, followed by a cream pie OUTTANOWHERE which led to Owens pitching a fit. Of course, since he’s Kevin Owens, he also made sure to pause halfway through his tantrum to try some of the pie, because like we said earlier, that’s good comedy.