So, Batman v Superman was a bit of a polarizing movie, but in any event, the DC Movie Universe is now set to move forward, with a Justice League movie one of several on the immediate radar. But what if Warner Bros decides that they want a fresh vision for their superhero ensemble movie, instead of the controversial Zack Snyder? What if, somehow, they reached out to WWE Films and the deranged Vince McMahon to create this blockbuster movie, and he decided to cast WWE Superstars in the film instead of Hollywood actors? Sure, it’ll probably never happen, but it’s an interesting thought experiment, and we think the casting choices for that movie would end up looking something like this…
10. John Cena as Superman
Let’s just get this one out of the way right off the bat. John Cena is the only choice to play Superman, because he may actually be an alien from Krypton sent to Earth, where his proximity to Earth’s yellow sun gave him superhuman strength and invulnerability. Also, his WWE character (and by all indications, his real life personality) is Superman to tee, as he’s always helping those who can’t help themselves, standing up for truth, justice, and the American way (or, at least, hustle, loyalty, and respect, which is close enough these days), supporting the troops, and generally being one of the best people on the planet in a way that is both inspiring and somewhat grating, because he reminds us how much we all suck by comparison. In fact, the only reason we don’t actually believe that he is a real-life Kal-El is that he doesn’t wear glasses when he’s out of the public eye. Or maybe the whole Clark Kent “secret identity” thing is a misdirect…
9. Charlotte as Wonder Woman
This was a puzzler, actually, because many of our favorites for the role have one small problem with playing Amazonian royalty. Namely, as much as we’d love to cast say, Sasha Banks or Becky Lynch in the role, they’re just simply not tall enough for the part. While Charlotte isn’t the tallest Diva on the roster (that honor would go to NXT’s Nia Jax, with, surprisingly, Summer Rae close behind), she still towers over most of the other women in WWE. Plus, as a Flair, she’s already shown she can play the part of someone born into an elite society. We’re not saying Wonder Woman is as big of a jerk as Charlotte’s on-screen character has been, but there’s always been a certain aloof quality to the Queen of Amazonia. Admittedly, Charlotte doesn’t exactly have the right hair color for the part, but that’s why wigs and dyes were invented, after all. Honestly, we wouldn’t be shocked if there are already pictures out there of Ric Flair’s daughter dressed up as Wonder Woman for Halloween.
8. Sami Zayn as Flash
The most likable guy in the DC Universe needs to be played by the most likable guy in the WWE Universe, and these days, that’s the domain of the protege of the famous El Generico, Sami Zayn. We’re not sure what role that puts Kevin Owens into, but obviously he’ll have to be there somewhere. But just watching Sami Zayn feels like you’re watching someone who thinks he could be the Flash if such an opportunity arose. Everything he does is quick and full of energy, from his entrance right through to the end of the match. The guy is so energetic that he injured his shoulder raising his arms frenetically in an attempt to pump up the crowd, after all. Plus, he has a subtle wit that plays into his promos, and generally is the guy you want to be your friend. Since The Flash seems to be everyone’s friend (even some of his enemies actually like the guy), Zayn seems to fit the part perfectly. Another thing that both Zayn and Flash have in common is that they’re all jokes and light-hearted comedy, until suddenly they do something incredibly awesome like a huge dive over the top rope or running around the Earth a million times in a minute so he can punch something so hard it evaporates, and you remember that oh yeah, this guy is actually ridiculously overpowered.
7. Big E as Green Lantern
We’re going to go with John Stewart as our Lantern of choice, mostly because we don’t want anyone to remember Ryan Reynolds playing any superhero besides Deadpool at this point. Also, because it means we get to put at least one member of The New Day on the team, which should be considered a necessity. The massive former powerlifter has the tricep meat, the broad shoulders, and the gravitas necessary to play the stoic Lantern. Okay, sure, he’s incredibly wacky as a New Day member, but the guy does have range. Admittedly, when he first debuted in WWE they went too far in the “strong, silent” direction, but a happy medium between that and the guy shilling Booty-O’s would probably work out just fine.
6. Becky Lynch as Hawkgirl
Call us crazy, but we’re pretty sure Becky would be over the moon to get to wear wings and gladiator armor while carrying a big heavy mace, even if it wasn’t for a movie role. Maybe once she finishes her current Steampunk phase she should consider it. One thing is for certain, we know we wouldn’t want to be across the battlefield from a mace-wielding Becky Lynch, screaming and swinging her weapon like an extra from Braveheart. We’re not sure exactly which version of Hawkgirl we’d be using for this movie, because the continuity snarl of DC’s history has given us so many options, but whether she the advance scout of a Thanagarian army, a reincarnated Egyptian priestess, or some other crazy interpretation of the character (all hail the DC multiverse!), we have to give WWE’s Irish Lass Kicker the inside track for the part.
5. Seth Rollins as Green Arrow
It’s mostly because Rollins has a damned fine beard, because Oliver Queen should always have a facial hair, dammit! Somebody tell the people at The CW that they need to stop using their own ideas for their super-popular Arrow show and listen to us instead. That was only partially a joke, but the truth is, Rollins seems like he would fit perfectly into the role of DC’s answer to Robin Hood. His ring gear basically already resembled a superhero costume, so it’s not a stretch to imagine adding a cape and quiver to it just to complete the ensemble. Rollins also has the qualities that would seem to fit well into Arrow’s personality. He’s able to act both gruff and world-weary (some would say “grumpy”) while still being fairly young, Also, much like Amell, Rollins is one of those cross-fit nuts and would almost certainly end up attempting to do his own stunts, and frankly, we can’t wait to watch him try.
4. CM Punk as Guy Gardner
We’re not saying they have to put the universe’s greatest superhero, Guy Gardner, in the Justice League movie, all we’re saying is he’d be in ours. Sure, Flash can handle the actual jokes and quips, but our League needs a skeptic, the one who questions every plan and tries to make everything revolve around him, but when the chips are down, his intentions tend to line up with the group, and he’s always ready for a fight. Gardner isn’t actually a bad guy, he’s just a huge jerk, and over his years in the League in the comics, it was always fun to watch him get taken down a peg, usually by Batman. We could waste some time justifying why former WWE Superstar and current alleged UFC fighter CM Punk just leaped to the front of our minds when we thought of who should play the abrasive yet mysteriously popular Gardner, but then again, we don’t really need to explain ourselves, do we?
3. The Undertaker as J’onn J’onzz
To be honest, we’d probably be looking at a body double covered in CGI and prosthetics for the Martian Manhunter, because the 50+plus Undertaker almost certainly wouldn’t be able to participate in any action scences, but for the voice work, we had to go with the Dead Man. No other wrestler has that deep, gravelly voice that commands authority quite like Undertaker, and we feel like it would fit exactly with our impression of J’onzz as a old and experienced, battle-hardened veteren of interstellar conflict whose seen enough and wants to try and settle everything with well-chosen words before resorting to violence. Okay, Undertaker doesn’t actually cut the greatest promos once he’s forced out of his comfort zone of vague threats and saying “Rest in Peace” in a scary way, but with enough takes and editting, he can probably deliver some profound speeches on conflict resolution and the nature of humanity.
2. Triple H as Lex Luthor
We’re pretty sure Triple H already believes in some ways that he is Lex Luthor, but really, who else would you choose to play a megalomaniacal genius who creates elaborate plans to foil Superman because he’s just so very jealous of him? It really helps that Triple H gave up on the long-haired appearance of his youth to embrace the shaved head look, because Lex Luthor with hair just doesn’t make any sense. No, we will not be getting into a detailed discussion of the Australian redheaded clone of Luthor from the 90’s, thank you very much. Realistically, Triple H has basically been playing the part of WWE’s Lex Luthor in the role of The Authority on TV for years, and frankly, he’s had far more successes than Luthor ever did against Superman. Plus, at some point you can have him get absorbed by Brainiac and become a cyborg, so he can live out that lifelong fantasy he’s clearly had of playing a Terminator robot, which is never going to come true otherwise.
1. Cesaro as Batman
Trust us, we thought long and hard about who should play the Dark Knight, because that’s actually a high standard to hold someone to. Even the worst Batman movies have had decent performances by the men playing the World’s Greatest Detective. Hell, Batman and Robin was only good for stocking our library of ice-related puns, and people still praised Clooney for being a great version of Bruce Wayne. The problem comes from the role requiring you to be credible both as a billionaire playboy and a ruthless badass, and that sort of duality is hard to pull off (which is why many stories have suggested that Batman is almost certainly just as insane as some of the supervillains he faces). But when we started to really wrack our brains, we could only come up with one man who looks just as good in a suit as he does beating someone up, and that has to be Cesaro. Sure, he’s Swiss, but that only really bothers Vince McMahon, and we’re pretty sure Batman also speaks at least five languages. Also, Tyson Kidd can play Robin, which might be the only reason we’d want Robin in a Justice League movie.