We’ve already covered the best weapons in video games , but video game arsenals go so much further than just the conventional. Given that games aren’t reliant on pesky real world concerns such as physics or common sense, designers have been able to run wild with weapon designs that are truly out of this world. If we could put this level of creativity into actually trying to do something about the world’s actual weapon problems, we might be getting somewhere. Until then, we’ll just have to make do with the wacky logic of video game weapons, best represented by these 10 tools of derangement.
10. Blue Shell – Mario Kart
The blue shell is universally hated by Mario Kart players (except those perpetually in last place) and it’s easy to see why. Not only is the blue shell incredibly overpowered, never missing its intended target unless they get snagged by the occasional environmental hangup (that generally does more harm than good anyway), it actively punishes players who show any skill at the game. In the words of Ricky Bobby, “If you’re not first, you’re last…and probably in the ditch, courtesy of a blue shell. ”
9. Gunblade – Final Fantasy
The debate over melee weapons versus firearms is a never-ending dilemma in video games, which makes the gunblade from the Final Fantasy series an understandable, if completely absurd solution. First featured in Final Fantasy VIII (1999), the gunblade has become a staple of the franchise’s admittedly over-the-top weaponry. The bizarre part is that in its initial appearance, the gunblade couldn’t even fire projectiles, making it completely redundant as a weapon design. It’s since evolved into numerous incarnations, all more ridiculous than the last.
8. Groovitron – Ratchet and Clank
The Ratchet and Clank brand is practically synonymous with ludicrous weapons, playing host to everything from a gun that turns enemies into sheep to one that creates literal black holes. While it’s tough to settle on just one, the groovitron arguably encapsulates the sheer fantastic lunacy this series is capable of. The Groovitron launches a discoball that ensnares nearby enemies and compels them to dance uncontrollably to the funky beats, allowing you to step in and finish them off. As far as decoys go, it’s hard to think of anything better.
7. Nevan – Devil May Cry 3
The Devil May Cry games are known for their over-the-top style, so naturally that theme extends to the weapons wielded by protagonist Dante, a demon hunter for hire. Devil May Cry 3: Dante’s Awakening was probably the zaniest entry in the series, with Dante grabbing hold of such weapons as a pair of ice nunchuks and the pièce de résistance: a purple electric guitar/scythe that fires electrified bats when played. Oh and did we mention that the guitar is made from a lighting witch?
6. The Grapple – Just Cause 2
Admittedly, the grapple wielded by Just Cause 2′s hero Rico Rodriguez is more of an all-purpose tool than anything, but it’s so overpowered and defies the laws of physics at every turn that it simply must be mentioned. The grapple is primarily used to let Rico zip from one location to another, not unlike Spider-Man, but it can also be used to chain objects together, including enemies. You can strap an enemy solider to a gas canister, then light it on fire and watch as the hapless minion is pulled skyward. If that doesn’t work, the grapple also works well as a melee whip. The upcoming sequel, Just Cause 3, looks to be expanding on the grapple’s capabilities, which will surely further cement its reputation as one of the most ridiculous weapons in video games.
5. Fat Man – Fallout 3
The world of Fallout is an irradiated wasteland where fresh food and water are scarce, and radioactive mutants and monsters terrorize the remaining citizenry. That’s why it’s a bit perplexing that you’d be given a gun that actively makes everything worse. The Fat Man is a heavy weapon that fires mini-nukes that not only obliterate anything in their blast zone, but leave a nice irradiated crater to boot. As if giving you the tools to make humanity’s chances of survival that much slimmer wasn’t bad enough, there’s actually an upgraded version of the gun called the Experimental MIRV, which fires 8 mini nukes in a single shot. Despite the worrying moral dilemma that comes with firing a Fat Man, it can’t be denied that there’s few video game weapons as satisfyingly destructive.
4. Logarious Wheel – Bloodborne
Bloodborne is chock-full of nasty weapons that defy explanation, but most of them at least have a clear practical use as a tool of destruction. Weapons like the Kirk Hammer (a sword that can be turned into a hammer) and Ludwig’s Holy Blade (a sword that can be inserted into a giant sheathe to form a an even bigger sword) are realistically impractical, but make sense in the game’s twisted Gothic universe. The Logarious Wheel, on the other hand, is a just a giant wooden wheel that looks completely unwieldy. It’s actually pretty powerful in the game, but in any other setting, bringing a wagon wheel to a sword fight would result in shame and ridicule.
3. Athena’s Blades – God of War
The iconic weapons of God of War’s angry protagonist Kratos, Athena’s Blades, a.k.a. the Blades of Chaos, are twin fire-streaked blades attached to chains burned into Kratos’s forearms. From a gameplay standpoint, these weapons are incredibly versitile, as they enable fast attacks and an extended range. When you actually stop and think about them for a minute though, Athena’s Blades don’t make a lot of sense (ignoring the fact that they are always on fire of course). The blades are chained to his arms and yet Kratos can holster them on his back (without any obvious way of keeping them there), which makes no sense because they aren’t attached to the chains when holstered. There’s also no way weapons like these could be controlled without stabbing oneself repeatedly Athena’s Blades are super fun weapons, but they’re a prime example of video game logic that hurts to think about.
2. Arm Blade – Dynasty Warriors
For a series that purports to feature actual historical settings and figures (it’s loosely based on the Three Kingdoms era of China), Dynasty Warriors sure loves to play fast and loose with its weapon selections. Then again, when a play session typically involves slaying upwards of 1000 soldiers single-handedly, it’s safe to say that any tenants of realism have been firmly tossed out the window. Perhaps the craziest weapon of all is the Arm Blade, a literal boat that can be swung around as a melee weapon or used to create tidal waves to surf on. It’s not really clear where the water comes from, but California could sure use a bunch of these right about now.
1. Dub Step Gun – Saints Row IV
Ah, Saint’s Row. What was once an inferior Grand Theft Auto clone has morphed into a satirizing, self-aware open world extravaganza that long ago left behind the restrictions imposed by realism. The 4th entry became a sci-fi fantasy game, featuring everything from superpowers to an alien invasion. While the franchise’s weapons have followed in the same vein, becoming crazier with each new entry, Saint’s Row IV took things to another level with the Dubstep Gun, which much like Ratchet and Clank’s Groovitron forces all of its victims (which includes vehicles) to throw down to the beat. Nothing like a nonlethal dose of heavy bass to break up a crowd.