Let’s be honest, most of us are pretty hard on our car. We certainly don’t take care of our vehicles the way we should. If we did, they would last forever. But, unfortunately, most of us run our poor cars into the ground and then get a new one. We litter our cars with junk, unpleasant smells, and only spend money to keep them running when we absolutely have to. Our cars are taken for granted like a dependable friend or relative. We always assume they’ll be there for us when we need them and seldom pay them much mind unless they’re sick or complaining. But what would our cars say to us if they could talk? It’s interesting to ponder. Here are 10 things most cars would likely say to us if they could speak their mind freely rather than regurgitate pre-programmed slogans.
10. “I need a bath… and don’t forget to wash my crevices.”
Most cars are pretty filthy. It is amazing how long people will go before taking their vehicle through a car wash. Sure, we’re more likely to hit a car wash in the winter when our car is covered in salt residue. But we almost never visit a car wash in the summer, leading to people writing cute signs like “wash me” on the outside of our car with their fingers. And let’s not even get into the interior of a car. The inside of most cars are absolutely disgusting. Never mind the obvious fast food wrappers and coffee cups. What about all the cracks and crevices in a car? Between the seats and under the floor mats. Gross. If there’s one thing most cars need, it is a bath.
9. “I’m thirsty!”
Cars run on a lot of fluids—from gasoline and engine oil to radiator and brake fluid. Cars even need water in the radiator to keep going. Yet most of us let the fluids in our cars run down to shamefully low levels. Who among us hasn’t seen the gasoline or engine oil light come on the dashboard? Keeping your car’s fluids topped up ensures it runs properly. For this reason, you should at least monitor your car’s fluids and get them topped up when needed. Your car will thank you by continuing to operate as it should. And the good news is that you can add most of these fluids yourself at a gas station. Provided, of course, that you give your car enough thought to remember these precious fluids. If not, the dashboard will eventually remind you. Or your car will come coughing and wheezing to a complete stop on the side of the road.
8. “I’m deaf already!”
Studies show that cars are the places most people listen to music. And satellite radio is pretty awesome. Not surprising, most of us turn up the volume in our cars when a song we love comes on. Certain songs were made for driving, right? The problem is that most of us don’t turn down the volume in our cars once our beloved song is over. We keep the volume cranked at deafening levels inside the small confines of our vehicle. There have been well documented cases of people suffering permanent hearing loss because of the volume the music is played at in their car. Think how your poor car feels? If your car could talk, it would no doubt say it is deaf already and to turn down the volume. And who knows if your car even likes your choice of music. Not everyone likes Justin Bieber, after all.
7. “My feet hurt.”
Riding the brakes of our car is something we’re all guilty of. Most of us slam our foot on the brake and take it off again with little regard to the long-term damage we’re doing to our vehicle. But this rough treatment of our brakes can lead to long-lasting problems and safety issues with our car. Given a voice, most of our cars would no doubt say that their feet are killing them from all the starting and stopping. Not to mention the miles and miles we put on our car tires. If anyone could use a foot rub, it would be our cars. We could certainly help them by taking a more gentle approach to braking and starting and stopping. But given the little regard we have for our cars, this is not likely to happen anytime soon. Poor, poor car.
6. “Give me a minute to wake up, will ya!”
Like people, cars need a few minutes to wake up and warm up in the morning before starting their day. Yet, despite this fact, most of us simply turn the key in the ignition and then slam the car into gear cold. No warming up, no gentle coaxing, no time to get acclimatized to the day or the surroundings. A sentient car would likely give us a good kick in the privates and tell us to give it a few minutes to wake up before expecting it to get going and hit full stride. Expert mechanics tell us that it ruins the car engine to simply jam the car into “reverse” or “drive” as soon as we start it. But when have we ever listened to a mechanic and their good advice? Taking some time to let the car warm up properly isn’t too much to ask, is it?
5. “I don’t like being this close to strangers.”
Can your car fit into that parking space? Hell yeah! We’ll jam the car in there no matter what it takes. A space too small to parallel park in? Are you nuts? There’s plenty of room. These are things we say out loud to our car when trying to justify cramming it into small spaces that it really has no business being in. Most of our cars spend their lives bumper-to-bumper with other cars. A lot of time they are mere centimeters from another car. More often than not, cars are touching one another. This is not good form, and extremely inconsiderate. Can’t you hear your car talking back now, saying “I don’t like being this close to strangers? How would you feel?” It’s like how we all feel being jammed into a subway car with complete strangers. Show some respect.
4. “Could we get a babysitter for the kids, please?”
We’ll never know for sure, but it’s a safe bet to assume that your car hates kids. What with the noise, sticky fingers, Goldfish crackers, and crumpled juice boxes. Kids show cars less respect than adults, and that’s saying something. Any time you can leave the kids at home, it is no doubt a welcome relief to your car. Plus, car seats have got to hurt, right? The clips, the straps, the endless pulling and tightening to try and get the car seat as snug as possible. It has to be super painful for the car. And don’t get us started with the crying and whining that kids do. Cars have probably been subjected to more temper tantrums than any person or object ever. And you know what comes with a toddler temper tantrum? That’s right, kicking the seats.
3. “I’m not a pack mule!”
How much weight can your car hold? Who knows, right? You’ll just throw as much stuff in their as possible, regardless of how much it weighs. If you can’t fit it in the car, you’ll jam it in there. Come hell or high water. A mattress on the roof, some end tables on the backseat, a barbecue in the trunk. Why did they invent fold down seats, if not to cram more stuff into the vehicle? If the trunk won’t close, we’ll tie it down. That’s what rope is for, after all. If our cars were people, they’d slap us across the face and scream that they are not a pack mule. Fortunately, they can’t talk, which is just as well because it’s not like we’re going to hire a moving company to get us into our new apartment.
2. “I’m doing my best!”
Our poor cars do their best. With very little love and support they trudge on from day to day. Tired, thirsty, sore and rusty they push on—piling on the miles in the process. Still, we’re never satisfied or appreciative. We slap the dashboard when the car won’t start on a cold morning, kick the tires when we get a flat, curse the car when the air conditioner goes on the fritz in summer, and constantly complain that the vehicle just isn’t going fast enough. Little do we know that the car is doing its best. It’s trying hard to please us and get us safely to our next destination. And it does this despite all the abuse and nonsense we hurl at it. In real life, your car would be reduced to a sobbing mess. “I’m doing my best,” it would say over and over again.
1. “It stinks in here!”
We all love the new car smell. But how long does that last? Not long enough. And in its wake we get the stinky car smell. You know, the farts, the burps, the body odor, and that awful stale coffee stench. Combined, these smells create one foul odor that seems to linger no matter how much Febreze we spray in the car. Good Lord, it can get nasty in there! Add in some babies and dirty diapers, plus a dog or two, and it is positively ripe. Like a moldy science experiment left to rot in the sunlight. Disgusting! It is almost guaranteed that the number one thing our cars would say to us if they could speak their mind is “It stinks in here!” Followed by “For God’s sake, man. Open a window.”