Because all anyone is talking about these days is Star Wars, we thought we’d have a little fun with it. Since WWE does run their own film division, we decided to imagine what it would be like if Vince McMahon got it in his head one day to re-make the original Star Wars trilogy (only the originals, because even Vince knows nobody cares about the prequels), casting his WWE Superstars in important roles? Sure, it’ll probably never happen (unless Disney somehow manages to completely destroy the Star Wars license somehow), but can’t you just see the possibilities?
12. Vince McMahon as Emperor Palpatine
We figured we’d get the most obvious casting choice out of the way first, because there’s no way Vince doesn’t get the role of twisted old man who wants to rule the galaxy, no matter how many people have to suffer along the way. It’s the part he was born to play, baby! Frankly, he’d probably demand the part anyway. We’d just have to make sure he didn’t re-write the script at the last minute to have him kick everyone in the balls and strut away victorious.
11. Heath Slater as Greedo
Next, we’ve got Greedo, the green alien bounty hunter who’s in A New Hope for about three minutes before Han Solo blows him away. And don’t even try to tell us that Greedo shot first, or we’ll be here all day yelling at you. For the role, we need a guy who is entertainingly unlikable and who doesn’t mind getting jobbed out in no time at all. Sounds like the perfect spot for the One-Man Band, Heath Slater. Of course, that’s assuming someone remembers that he still works for WWE.
10. Erick Rowan as Chewbacca
Honestly, any member of the Wyatt Family would probably work, since they’re all gigantic men covered in way too much hair. But we’re partial to Rowan, who we can’t help feel sorry for, because it often feels like his sole purpose in the Family is to be the one who gets beaten in any multi-man match. So, it’d be nice if he got a chance to be the best part of a group for once. Plus, we have no proof of this, but we’re pretty sure he could do a mean Wookie impression if we asked him. It’s just an impression that we get.
9. Xavier Woods as Lando Calrissian
No, not just because he’s black. Lando is a suave, smooth-talking ladies man whose far more intelligent that everyone gives him credit for, and is the real hero of Return of the Jedi. He’s the one who actually blows up the second Death Star, after all. Well, him and Wedge, but Lando was the one everyone remembers, outside of those awesome X-Wing novels. What were we talking about, again? Oh, right, Xavier Woods is just as fast-talking as Lando and the guy nearly has his PhD, so you know he’s incredibly smart. Plus, he’s probably pretty good with the ladies. If you’re going to choose a trombone as your instrument of choice, you almost have to have above-average game to make up for it.
8. Ryback as R2-D2
It’s a bit of an odd choice, we’ll admit it, but we do have certain justifications. After all, he’s roughly the shape of an squat, cylindrical R2 unit, has a shiny, dome-like head, and emitting a series of beeps falls well within his promo abiliites. Plus we didn’t want to go with the obvious choice and pick Hornswoggle. Who says you have to be a little person to play R2-D2, anyway? As an additional bonus, reducing Ryback’s lines to unintelligible noises means we don’t have to hear about how much he loves The Secret. Win-freakin’-win, as they say.
7. Sin Cara as C-3PO
We figure that he’s already used to wearing an uncomfortable mask, and most of the time his ring gear has been shiny and metallic, anyway. Plus, most of C-3PO’s time in the movies is spent running from place to place and screwing things up, especially the last half of Empire Strikes Back where he gets himself blown to pieces and has to be carried around by the heroes, and we already know that Sin Cara has a history of being really good at that. Just because it’s mean doesn’t mean it’s not accurate.
6. Triple H as Obi-Wan Kenobi
We swear, we nearly gave this role to Cena, just because we want to see if he can actually grow a beard. But in the end, it must be the Wrestledad, Triple H, who takes the role of Luke’s mentor in the trilogy. It’s actually perfect for him, because even though Vader kills him in A New Hope, he still gets to show up in the next two movies, and when he isn’t there, Luke’s always talking about him. Trust us, if Triple H found out that he’d get to lose a climactic fight in a heroic fashion, be one of the coolest characters in the movie, and still be able to cut promos from beyond the grave, he’d do it in a second. Plus, we know he can grow a decent beard.
5. John Cena as Yoda
What, did you think we’d let him play Luke? Actually, we were tempted to cast him as Vader, but that just seems too mean. Besides, Cena’s well into his “grizzled veteran” stage, and would actually fit perfectly as the knowledgeable but still wacky Muppet from Dagobah. Think about it, Yoda’s one of the strongest Jedi Masters in history, he’s been around forever, he likes to crack inappropriate jokes at the oddest times, and even though he’s technically a fairly minor role in the original trilogy, he’s pretty much the face of the franchise. And even though we can’t find the footage to prove it, we’re pretty sure Cena’s broken out a Yoda impression at some point over the past several years of belittling his opponents.
4. Daniel Bryan as Luke Skywalker
Oh, don’t look so shocked. He’d have to shave the beard, obviously, but nobody plays a skinny kid way in over his head more believably than Daniel Bryan. In fact, that’s pretty much the character he played when he started in WWE. We know, he’s one of the best wrestlers in the world, but you just can’t see it when you look at him. Plus, even at his age, he pulls of the fresh-faced youngster look fairly well, and his smaller stature would make Vader look even more intimidating. And before you say it, no, he’s too short to play Chewie.
3. Sasha Banks as Princess Leia
For Leia, you need someone who is young and attractive, but also bad-ass and authoritative. She needs to be believable as being intimidated by someone like Vader, but also someone who will shoot you in the head with a blaster pistol the second you give her a chance. Come on, you’re all thinking about The Boss, same as we did. She’s small and sexy, but not to be trifled with. Plus, we’re pretty sure she’d make Leia’s hairstyle look good. It might be a little unbelievable that she’d be Daniel Bryan’s sister, but we’re not going to argue about it.
2. Seth Rollins as Han Solo
It was a toss-up between former Shield members, but in the end, we had to go with Rollins over Dean Ambrose. Dean might have the “slightly unhinged” vibe going for him that would be believable whenever he charges into a firefight without a plan, but few people are more entertaining when they’re also totally being a jerk than Seth Freaking Rollins. He’s the sort of guy who would shoot someone under the table, and spend most of the movie making sarcastic comments about everything, before ultimately giving in to his heroic leanings and becoming an edgy anti-hero. Hey, remember when “edgy anti-hero” was a unique thing?
1. Brock Lesnar as Darth Vader
He wouldn’t even need to wear the mask. He’d just come out in his wrestling gear and a full-length cape. Who’s going to argue with him? It might be necessary to remind him that he won’t need to actually choke anyone out, though. Of course, we’d still have to over-dub his voice with James Earl Jones, because Brock can’t cut a promo without his voice cracking. Also, because nobody besides James Earl Jones is the voice of Vader, and we will brook no argument in that regard.