Looking to the nearest dictionary for the word “shame” you might find the following definition: a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior. If you were to take that same word, and dig it up in a thesaurus, you would find a host of synonyms as well as antonyms, and next to the antonyms you’d find a picture of David Hasselhoff…because David Hasselhoff has no shame. Yes, he has endured humiliation and distress, and then he picked it up off the floor and ate it. Let’s consider his most outrageous.
10. Willingness to Parody Himself
Before we completely skewer David Hasselhoff, and his life story, we must offer a little praise. In some strange way, he’s like a mentally disabled pet. He knows everyone is torturing him with the laser pointer, but he goes at it anyway, time and time again. There’s no quit in The Hoff. There also doesn’t seem to be a legitimate, genuine bone in his body. He’s made up of shameless wonder, and slightly off-key intonation. In that, he has continued to make a solid living in front of the camera making fun of himself, and playing some of the world’s biggest douche bags. Yes, we imagine The Hoff to be a real sweetheart, but that guy in high school who you also thought might end up in trouble for having sex with a local judge’s daughter. Ultimately, he’s beloved. And rightly so. He brings the goods.
9. The MTV Europe Awards
Remember that time David Hasselhoff showed up to present on the MTV Europe Awards, and wore a traditional tartan kilt, and pulled out all the stops? If you missed it, we don’t know how. You might think that you weren’t around yet, as this would have had to have happened years ago. Sure, years ago. Two years ago. David is no stranger to antics at MTV EMAs, and if you look back to 2009, you can find him in a black sequin jacket, sporting a messily tied tie, rambling on the red carpet, drunk as a skunk. It’s really one of the greatest, and most painful things you’ll watch, as David rehashes the last 20 years via incoherent sentences with no flow, a mention of his tearing down the Berlin Wall, his time starring on the hit show Knight Rider, and a bunch of other randomocity.
8. He Really Was Huge In Germany
The Hoff really was/is popular in Germany. He’s probably not what he once was, but boasting the name Hasselhoff, and making it huge in American entertainment is all the reason to welcome him back to the Fatherland with open arms. We’d guess–because it’s really not worth doing the research–that David made a lot of cash selling music, and performing live in Germany. He was so beloved by the German nationals, he was invited to perform his hit song, “Looking For Freedom,” as the infamous Berlin Wall was enduring its final moments. So, Germans have every reason to love The Hoff even more, because his single handed effort was enough to persuade Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev to let the wall come down in order to reunify Germany. In short, David Hasselhoff put an end to reign of Hitler’s legacy. Right? Something like that.
7. Kung Fury
Have you seen Kung Fury? If you missed the 1980s, it’s a fine foray into all the delicious absurdity offered by the decade, in a relatively short, action-packed, absurdly awesome film. There is no way you could do anything to do with the 1980s, especially a parody, and not have David Hasselhoff involved in some fashion. What better way to get The Hoff involved than through a stellar theme song: “True Survivor.” In every way, this song sounds like it came straight out of a bad 1980s flick that scored more than its fair share of money at the box office. The video they pieced together for “True Survivor” is next level, featuring David Hasselhoff in all his glory, rocking hair more akin to his 80s style, and rolling in the purest white Lamborghini Countach. If this hasn’t sold you on The Hoff, you’re not a true survivor.
6. “I’m Still Growing Up…”
Let’s dive into David Hasselhoff’s sad, yet redemptive story. In an interview with The Mirror in 2015, David offered a candid look at his life, and how much he’s enjoying it now that he’s no longer addicted to the bottle. Accoding to The Hoff, “I’m still growing up–I’m on my second childhood and I’m enjoying it.” Dating younger women, involved in the life of his two 20-something daughters, and making great coin poking the mockery stick at himself…? Yep, that sounds like childhood. It’s hard not to get in The Hoff’s corner, because he has been through a lot, experienced a lot of ups and downs, and it’s painfully obvious that he’s got some serious self-worth and overcompensation issues, but he keeps on truckin’. So what if his house is full of his own memorabilia, and pictures from the glory days!?
5. Jump In My Car
There’s also no ignoring The Hoff’s creepy vibe when it comes to his interactions with the opposite sex. Whether it’s intentional, or again, he’s that cat chasing the laser pointer, we really can’t say. However, when he records kitschy songs like “Jump In My Car,” and hires three, much younger women, to serve as the females in the call-and-answer, schoolyard-esque pop song, it’s a little…um…disconcerting? Yeah, the video features The Hoff and K.I.T.T., so that’s cool, but there’s something hair-raising about The Hoff singing “Jump in my car, I wanna take you home…” as he’s awkwardly thrusting his pelvis. There’s awesomely bad David Hasselhoff, and then there’s for-the-love-of-all-that’s-sacred-make-it-stop-Hasselhoff. And how does this little ditty end? Oh, you have to see it for yourself. It’s a quality twist comparable to The Sixth Sense. Hey. There’s an idea. M. Night Shyamalan teaming up with David Hasselhoff.
4. How ‘Bout That “Hooked On a Feeling” Cover?
It doesn’t get more David Hasselhoff than his decision to cover Blue Swede’s “Hooked On a Feeling.” This happened a few moons back, but it’s still one of The Hoff’s highest ranking moments of “Did that really happen?” Oh, it did, and it’s worth another listen. If you’ve never seen the video, let’s suggest that the production value was somewhere around “student film,” and the crew were paid with “School Credit and Domino’s Pizza.” There were no actual sets, scenes or locations, rather David Hasselhoff dancing/flying around in various costumes in front of a green screen. This would have been the era where green screen really began to dominate the old blue screen, and we all know The Hoff. He’s gotta have the latest and best technology for any professional venture. Hooked on your feeling? You know we are, Hoff.
3. Spongebob Squarepants Movie
Just when you think David Hasselhoff can get no cooler than he already is, he goes and plays hero for SpongeBob SquarePants. For those who haven’t seen The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie (2004), what the heck is wrong with you? This is iconic cinema. At one crucial point of the film, SpongeBob and Patrick find themselves stranded on a beach with no real way to get back to Bikini Bottom. Fortunately, for the animated icons, when stranded on a beach, help is never far away, in the form of David Hasselhoff. When David arrives in full Baywatch garb, you know you’re about to be treated to something very special. The fact that he has the skill set to act with cartoons…? That is a skill set that only the masters of on-camera technique have been able to pull off in the past. Bob Hoskins. Gene Kelly. Brad Pitt. David Hasselhoff.
2. This Is The Moment
When America’s Got Talent first hit the air, David Hasselhoff was one of the celebrity judges. It was rather quickly discovered that in order to lend the show more legitimacy, David would have to take a back seat to judging the contestants, but not before he was able to make his mark. In the greatest open mic fashion ever, David took to the stage of the AGT Finals, and performed one of the greatest ballads from the history of musical theatre. “This Is The Moment,” from Jekyll and Hyde. This was another example of cringe-worthy Hasselhoff, because there was nothing humorous about it. Just a man, offering a really s**tty rendition of a song that had been made famous by some of the greatest singers on Broadway, not to mention wailing rock stars. David gave it the old college try. His fellow judges probably wanted to hit their buzzers.
1. The Drunken Burger
Does it get anymore shameless than the drunken burger incident? The Hoff, a shell of his former, glorious self, lying on the bathroom floor, trying to piece together what looked like a Carl’s Jr. Six Dollar Burger from back in the day, as it falls in every direction. And he keeps eating it…off the floor…and his daughters continue to capture video of the moment in order to post it online, and send a harsh message that it was time to lay off the sauce. Those girls are ice cold, but you know what? That’s what it took. There was no more hiding the alcoholism. There was no more denial while being interviewed. But damn, what a mess. Eh, all was forgiven, and it didn’t really hurt The Hoff. He is impenetrable. And when it comes right down to it, we’re just happy he’ll appear in the new Baywatch movie.